


Come closer and you will see

by Natsumi



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Conversations, Fluff, I THINK WE ALL NEED THIS AFTER THAT EPISODE, I just want my babies to be happy ok, M/M, Misunderstandings, but only a little don't worry, can be taken as just friendship if you want to, post ep 11
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 22:27:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2286693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Natsumi/pseuds/Natsumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He finds himself curled up on the bed, head tucked firmly under the blanket, but for some reason he doesn’t feel any calmer. His heart won’t stop pounding in his chest, and he cannot get those words out of his head. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <i>“I would want you to find one.”</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	Come closer and you will see

It takes a while for Haruka to calm down enough to do much more than standing there in the hallway inside his house. He has trouble breathing and briefly wonders if it is because of the hasty run there or if it is something else. The house feels too quiet. When he finally regains the ability to move he makes a beeline for his bedroom. He feels safer there. Even though his grandmother died years ago and his parents doesn’t live there anymore, it still does not feel like it is his entirely. The bedroom, however, has always been his safe spot ever since he was little. 

He finds himself curled up on the bed, head tucked firmly under the blanket, but for some reason he doesn’t feel any calmer. His heart won’t stop pounding in his chest, and he cannot get those words out of his head. 

_“I would want you to find one.”_

Makoto’s voice, slightly high-pinched at the end, echos through him again and again. 

_“But you’re not fine!”_

_“I’m going to a university in Tokyo.”_

_“I would want you to find one.”_

_“I would want you to find one._

_“I would want you to find one._

A dream. That is what everyone has been talking about lately and Makoto joining in makes it even worse. It feels wrong. 

A dream? He doesn’t need it. Swimming professionally… He is still not sure if he wants that yet. Everyone else seems to think otherwise. Haruka doesn’t understand. 

The blanket suddenly feels too hot around him, so he is quick to remove his clothes. He has never been one to just throw things on the floor, but right now he doesn’t even bother to get up. Also, it doesn’t matter. His head is equally messy. 

He leaves his jammers on and is instantly attacked with the memory of Makoto shaking his head on multiple occasions, having given up on making him stop wearing them under his clothes. He shivers and pulls the blanket tighter around himself. 

It is not hard to guess who it is when the doorbell rings half an hour later. After three rings it goes silent for what feels like minutes, and Haruka almost believes that he left when he hears the door open.

Makoto. He is the only one who knows that he hides a spare key between two loose bricks at the stone steps. It has only been used once before when Haruka’s grandmother died. It happened at night, and he only realised when he woke up the next day and she didn’t make him breakfast like she always used to. Makoto arrived a while later to pick him up from school, and got worried when he didn’t come unlock the door. Nowadays he comes through the backdoor, which is locked now. For a reason. 

He has never invaded his privacy like this before, always knowing when to give him space, but now he unlocks the door and lets himself in. Haruka briefly wonders if he can get out of the window, but he stays still. He can hear Makoto’s footsteps nearing, but when he opens the door without knocking first it takes Haruka by surprise. He doesn’t say anything, though. 

Nothing happens for a while, and he doesn’t dare stick his head out to look at him. Then the bed dips and Makoto lays besides him. He makes no move to lift the blanket. 

Haruka’s breath sounds way too loud in his ears, and he makes a conscious effort to be quiet, but it only ends up making it worse. 

“I’m sorry, Haru. I know you probably want me to leave you alone right now, but I can’t.” Makoto’s voice breaks the silence, but he sounds sad. 

Haruka keeps quiet, not really sure if he is even supposed to answer.

“Don’t…” Makoto begins, but trails up quickly. He clears his throat and starts again. “Don’t run off like that again, okay?”

Haruka’s chest tightens, and he opens his mouth, suddenly desperate to say something to make that hurt undertone in the brunet’s voice disappear. He is not supposed to sound like that, and that is all Haruka chooses to concentrate on right then. 

He tries to say something, he really does, but all that leaves his mouth is a muffled noise that sounds more like a whine than anything else. It scares him, and most of all he feels humiliated in a way that is unfamiliar to him. 

Then Makoto is there. It starts off with a warm hand running up and down his back on top of the blanket, and when he realises that the other has moved all the way into the bed and under the blankets, he cannot do anything else than lay completely still. 

“I’m sorry,” Makoto whispers as he slides his arm under Haruka’s head.  
“I’m sorry,” as he pulls Haruka a little bit more towards himself and away from the wall.  
“I’m sorry,” as his other hand starts drawing slow circles on his back. 

And all Haruka wants to do is tell him to shut up for once, because he is not the one who needs to apologise, but for some reason the words seems to have gotten stuck in his throat. 

“I…” He doesn’t get much further than that. Makoto keeps quiet for a while, but his hand never stops drawing circles on his skin. It is sort of calming. He remembers being very little, not remembering quite what had happened, but his mother did the same thing. And for the first time in years he feels so, so small. 

“Sorry,” he manages to choke out. 

Makoto inhales slowly before replying. 

“Don’t be, you haven’t done anything wrong. I’m actually glad you said all that, I feel like we haven’t talked in a long time,” he pauses, laying his hand palm down on his back. “I want you to tell me what’s on your mind if something is bugging you.” 

“I don’t want to swim professionally.” He is surprised about how quick he is to reply and how his voice doesn’t falter at that. He says it without thinking, but once the words leaves his mouth he knows that it is true. 

He doesn’t want that. At least not right now. 

“That’s okay, Haru. Nobody is forcing you, and I’m sorry if it has seemed that way.” His hand moves slowly up and down his back, soothingly. Haruka feels like a child, but he doesn’t stop him. 

“But you said I should,” he mumbles.

“What? I’ve never said that.” 

“You said that I should find a dream like Rin.”

He can feel Makoto sighing behind him, and it suddenly feels to suffocating being in the bed, so he wriggles himself out from Makoto’s hold and stands on the floor instead. 

Makoto stays in the bed, but he too sits up. For a moment they just look at each other.

“That’s not what I meant. I just want you too be happy, it doesn’t have to be swimming. I need to know that you’ll be okay when I leave.” 

Leave. Even the words itself sounds sour. He doesn’t like it and it makes him shiver.

“You want me to swim. Everyone does.” 

“No, it really doesn’t have to be that. You could do anything you wanted to. You’re good at so many different things, Haru! Not just swimming.” Makoto looks down on his hands for a moment. “You are free to chose what you want to do, and as long as I know that you are safe and happy, I don’t care what you do.”

Haruka stares.

Maybe he misinterpreted? Makoto never actually told him to swim, he just assumed that was what he meant because everyone else told him to. All of a sudden he feels really tired. 

“I just want you to be happy. I need you to be,” Makoto adds. 

“...You’re leaving.” 

The bed creaks as Makoto stands up, a pained expression on his face. 

“Yes,” he admits slowly.

“I don’t want you to.” 

He starts walking out of the room.

“Where are you going?” 

A slight panic can be heard in his voice. It hurts to listen to, and Haruka feels terrible for running away earlier. 

“The living room.” 

“Oh.” 

He can hear the brunet trailing after him, so he is careful not to close the door after himself out of habit. 

His laptop is lying forgotten on the floor and he sits down with it. It is an old thing, something he got from his parents some time after they moved away, but it still works fine. It is not like he uses it very often anyway.

“Want to watch a movie?”

“Haru…”

“What?”

“You’re avoiding it again, I won’t let you do that this time.”

“I’m not avoiding anything, which one do you want to watch?”

Makoto frowns and sits down across from him at the floor. The lights are turned off, so their only source of light is the computer screen that Haruka holds in his lap. 

“Haru, listen to me!”

“I am listening!” 

“Then…” Makoto takes the laptop from him and closes it abruptly. Haruka is left staring into his lap. “Say something!” 

“Fine! I’m tired of all the pressure and the expectations!” His heart is pounding again, but this time it is out of anger. “I don’t want any of it, you know that, and I don’t want you to go,” his voice goes quiet at the end and he hates it.

“I don’t want to leave you, Haru.” 

“Then why…?” he raises his eyes from the point on the floor where he has been holding it the past few minutes and looks at his best friend. 

“Because… Because it’s right for me. At least I think so. Not to leave you, but to go to Tokyo. Do you know what I mean?” 

Haruka is grateful for the question, he doesn’t want any more misunderstandings between them. 

“No.” 

“I sort of have an idea what I want to do, but I need to go to Tokyo to do it.” 

“Oh.” 

They sit in silence for a while, only listening to the repetitive ticking of the clock that is hanging on the wall to their left. It has been there since his parents lived in the house and even though it annoys him to no end he has not bothered to take it down yet. 

“...You could come too,” Makoto mumbles eventually, and the way he says it suggest that he has thought about it before. 

“What do you mean?” Haruka asks and finds that he for once wants to know the answer, wants to know what Makoto is thinking. 

“You could go to Tokyo, too. And study something, maybe art or cooking? Or anything else, it doesn't really matter, as long as you are happy you know. We could even live together, if you want to of course and I wouldn’t have to leave you and you wouldn’t have to be here alone and-” Haruka places his hand firmly in front of Makoto’s mouth, efficiently stopping him from talking. 

He doesn’t say anything at first, what Makoto said takes a while to process, but the fear in the brunet’s eyes is enough to make him hurry. 

“That sounds… nice,” he ends up with, and it does. He would like that, he thinks. Makoto keeps quiet and fiddles with his hands. 

“But I still don’t know what I want to do,” Haruka reminds him. 

“That’s alright! I’m sure you will figure it out eventually.” Then he smiles, and Haruka is so relieved that he could cry. Almost. That is how it is supposed to be. 

“I’ll think about it,” he promises and then he too smiles. 

 

Makoto stays over that night and for once Makoto doesn’t bother pulling out the futon. It is a bit awkward at first. The bed is small, only meant for one person, so Haruka ends up squished against the wall to give room for Makoto, but he doesn’t mind the slightest. It actually feels kind of nice to be that close. In the end, he falls asleep feeling more content than he has in months. 

They stay in bed longer than usual, not doing anything in particular. Makoto takes care of most of the talking, but Haruka makes sure to answer when he is supposed to. Sometimes Makoto will say something funny, and Haruka will laugh in his own quiet way, not really making any sound.

When he does eventually get up, it is way past noon. He goes to the bathroom to have a bath while Makoto gets dressed. The warm water feels nice against his skin, and it is hard to get up as usual. He does, though, because he knows Makoto will be waiting for him in the kitchen. 

On the way there he stops by his room to tidy up the mess he made with his clothes last night, but he stops in the doorway. The clothes are not still lying thrown at the floor, they are folded neatly and placed on top of his dresser. 

He stands there for some time, just looking at them, and it is as if all the stress from the past few weeks suddenly fades away, even though nothing is really solved yet. 

Makoto is shuffling around in his kitchen, and even if he knows how to make some food, Haruka still hurries over to him, quick to hide the smile that has appeared without him noticing.

**Author's Note:**

> SO guess who decides to start a new fic despite the fact that she already has like 5 other to finish... Yeah. Figured we could all use some fluff after that heartbreaking episode. It is currently stupid o'clock as I'm posting this, so I apologise for any typos or awkward sentences.
> 
> Also, I am planning to update [I just needed to hear your voice](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1350835/chapters/2818513) very soon, sorry about the delay.
> 
> Kudos and comments are highly appreciated, I love hearing your thoughts!:)


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